Where do we turn?
by Isabeau1
Summary: San's reflections a short time after the events in the movie. That's the best I can do for a summary at present.


Author's note: Noko and Koni are just the names I made up for Moro's two wolf sons.

**Where do we turn?**

Where do we turn now that the gods are gone? I watch from the shadows of the new forest as Iron Town rises from its own rot, and I wonder where they will turn. I fear for my brothers, that soon they will loose the power of thought and speech and will become what they are not, as the apes did and as the boars.

When I tell Ashitaka of my fears he reminds me that my mother was always Moro, noble leader of the wolf clan, that she lived as a god and died as one. She was never anything but what she was. It's comforting; it's comforting to remember that there are things which were never anything but what they were meant to be. Sometimes, I think all those things are dead.

Ashitaka laughed a little when I told him that. He poked me in the side where he knows I'm ticklish and told me that I have always been what I was meant to be. When I asked him what that was, he got silly on me and said beautiful. Not that I mind him saying that. In fact, I think I really like it. Noko says I act as confused as a cub in heat when I'm around him. I wonder why I worry about him loosing his ability to speak sometimes.

I never go to Iron Town. I think if I saw Eboshi I might have to kill her, but when Ashitaka and Yakul come to visit they tell me a little of how the rebuilding is coming. Ashitaka says they will rebuild the original town where it was before, and they will keep their mining to the hills not the forest, at least as long as Eboshi is there. I suppose that's a reason not to kill her. Whoever takes her place might be worse. Yakul says the town stinks of iron and bad sake. I think it just stinks.

Koni says that we must turn to ourselves with the gods gone. I wonder if he has forgotten that he is a god. Ashitaka looked so surprised when I told him that. He said that Eboshi says the same thing. I can not imagine Eboshi and my brother being alike in any way at all, but then again Ashitaka doesn't lie.

I haven't seen Ashitaka in a week. Maybe that's why he's so much on my mind. He usually comes to see me every few days, more if he's not too busy. It seems strange sometimes that the skills which are most demanded of such a great warrior are his skills in healing. He says there are maybe two people out of the whole mass of them who can tell the difference between a broken bone and a bruise. I wonder again why he hasn't come, and stand at the edge of the forest watching the humans come and go from the wooden cage they have created for themselves.

When I get back to the Shishi Gami's pond, where we live now, it's almost dark. I spot Yakul standing near Koni, but I don't see Ashitaka. When I call for him Yakul looks up, then over to the tall grass under a tree. Ashitaka is on his back there with his eyes closed. I feel my heart jump. Why didn't he answer me when I called? Is he hurt? I hurry over and kneel down next to him.

"Ashitaka?" I lean over him and shake him a little.

Suddenly he wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me down to the soft grass next to him. His dark eyes open calmly to look at me.

"I've missed you," he says quietly, a faint smile on his lips.

"Oh, you!" I prop myself up on my elbow and slap him on the chest. "You scared me."

"I'm sorry," he laughs a little. He looks tired.

"Why were you gone so long?" I want to know.

"A piece of the forge wall cracked and the liquid iron and fire spilt out and burnt a lot of people. They needed my help to take care of them," he explains.

"I don't suppose Eboshi got melted?" I ask sourly.

"No, she wasn't hurt," he shakes his head, looking a little sad, but I know it's not because Eboshi escaped unscathed.

"So is it my turn to keep you for a week now?" I ask.

He tosses back his head and laughs. I smile. That's what I wanted him to do. One of his arms is still around my waist, which certainly isn't bothering me, and his other rest on his stomach. I notice the white bandages under his blue sleeve.

"You are hurt," I reach out and take his hand.

"Just a little singed," he gives me a reassuring smiled and pulls his hand from mine, reaching up to brush the hair from my face. "Do you remember what you asked me?" he becomes suddenly serious.

"What I asked you?" I've asked him so many things.

"You asked me where we would turn now that the gods are gone," he clarifies.

I nod leaning over him a little.

"I can't answer your question San," he continues to play with my hair, which he seems to like doing, but his eyes are steady on mine. "but I don't need to."

I look at him, feeling confused.

"The gods aren't gone," he leaves off with my hair and picks a small flower growing near his side to tickle my nose with.

"Ashitaka…" he's said that before, but I don't know how he can believe it. He was there, we saw them die.

"Listen," he drops the flower and wraps both arms around my waist. "You're alive, and so am I, and so is the forest and the wolves and Yakul and the humans. Shishi Gami is god of both life and death, for there to be so much life left he must still be here."

I've heard this argument before. Instead of answering, I rest my head on his shoulder and lay there. It's so hard to believe that the god who healed Ashitaka is the same one who took my mother's life. It makes sense though, even the kodama are returning. Maybe it's just that I'm glad to see Ashitaka, and it makes me more gullible to his ideas, but here, surrounded by the living, dying, changing, growing forest, and with his heart beating right next to my ear, I believe him. I really do.

I lift my head to tell him that, but find him sound asleep. It's my turn to brush the hair from his face. I kiss him carefully on the nose and snuggle back against his side, joining him in sleep.

As I'm drifting off I hear Koni say, "Noko was right. Like a cub in heat."

I have a feeling the chances of him loosing the power of speech any time soon are slim.


End file.
